


This is me Trying

by feentanz



Series: One Shots [44]
Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jealousy, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26585842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: “Nikolai-” she began, but the music had stopped, and everyone around them had stopped moving. There was something on his face that she couldn’t quite read, something that looked almost like… longing. But then Ehri was there, and Kirigin was back at her side, and the moment was gone.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Series: One Shots [44]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/594364
Comments: 8
Kudos: 47





	This is me Trying

Zoya threw the door to the war room shut behind her, the sound loud enough to make Genya flinch. 

She shot her a judgmental gaze over her teacup, lifting it to her lips and taking a sip. “Who ruined your day?” 

Zoya rolled her eyes, scanning the room. He wasn’t here. Of course, he wasn’t here. She tried to swallow down her annoyance, but it must have shown on her face because Genya sighed. 

“There’s only one person who can push your buttons like that,” she commented, hiding her grin behind the teacup. 

Zoya ignored her, as well as Tamar’s confused glance when she stopped before the window, glaring outside. She was aware of how this looked, but her curiosity had gotten the better of her. Nikolai had been missing meetings more and more lately, and every time he had spent time with one particular person instead. 

Ehri. His  _ fiance.  _ Zoya took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. It was just a meeting, not the end of the world. “How can he be so irresponsible?” she blurted out anyway, turning back to Genya. 

The tailor raised a brow. “It’s Nikolai we’re talking about.” Like that was answer enough.

“You could assume we don’t have a war looming on the horizon or an invasion to prevent,” Zoya snapped, her frustration only growing. Originally, Nikolai hadn’t even shown interest in Ehri. Neither had she, for that matter. But now, they were spending almost all their spare time together. 

Or, at least the time Zoya used to spend with him. Perhaps it was that realization that hurt the most. She had been doing all her correspondence alone lately. 

“You know,” Genya remarked. “You were the one who told him to charm her. This is your own doing.” 

Like she didn’t know. Zoya clenched her jaw, folding her arms. “He has plenty of time to charm her when he doesn’t have meetings to attend,” she muttered. “What could they possibly talk about, anyway?” 

Genya shrugged, picking on a loose thread of her  _ kefta.  _ “The challenges of being heir to a throne. Successfully running a country. The best hair products to keep your hair shiny.” She smirked, ignoring Zoya’s annoyed glance. “I’m sure they have things in common.” 

Zoya swallowed, trying to get that image out of her head. 

“I’m sure his Highness is only being polite,” Tolya suddenly said, and Zoya raised her head in surprise. He shrugged in response. “I’m sure he would rather spend his time with you.” 

It was only her well-trained self-control that kept Zoya from blushing. “That’s not what this is about!” she argued, shooting a glance at Genya. 

She looked awfully smug. “Are you sure? Because your sudden obsession with Nikolai and Ehri sounds a lot like jealousy.” 

Zoya snorted, turning away to hide the expression on her face.  _ Jealousy _ . “The king is free to spend his time with whoever he likes,” she said, careful to keep her voice even. “As long as he doesn’t neglect running this country.” 

Even with her back to Genya, she knew that the other girl was rolling her eyes. “You’re impossible, Zoya.” 

Tamar snickered. “And as long as he doesn’t spend his time with a certain Shu girl who likes to take long walks across the palace grounds.” 

Zoya turned, suddenly alert. “They’re taking a walk? Right now?”

Tamar was grinning, clearly mocking her. “Go check.” 

Genya laughed, taking another sip of tea. But her expression turned serious when she saw Zoya’s face. “You’re not seriously worried about Nikolai liking her.” 

“He’s free to like whoever he pleases. What I’m worried about is Ravka.” Zoya almost believed those words when she said them. Almost. 

Genya sighed, shaking her head slowly. “He is being polite. Spending time with her to sell the engagement. You know Nikolai.” 

She did. Which was why she knew that Ehri would be a fool not to fall for him. Who could resist his charm?  _ Especially  _ when going on long walks across the palace grounds. Zoya could already picture it. “He’s just doing what I told him to do,” she said eventually. “Charming her.” She added a smile which was almost painful, then turned on her heel. “The meeting is off.” 

“Zoya, come on-” Genya began, but she had already slammed the door shut. 

“Do you think flowers would work?” Nikolai asked, already going through possible arrangements of flowers in his head. Which color did Zoya like best? Blue? White? He wasn’t sure. He would need to ask Genya. 

“You seriously want to gift her  _ flowers _ ?” Ehri remarked, shooting him an unbelieving glance. She was walking next to him, keeping up their appearance by acting like she was terribly interested in the training grounds they had just passed. “If you want to apologize, you need something better.” She shrugged. “How about some jewelry?” 

“Jewelry…” Nikolai muttered. This was unfamiliar territory. He had done plenty of things to annoy Zoya during the last years, but she had never acted like this around him. Not even after that night on the belltower. 

She was barely speaking to him, barely even looking in his direction, and if they spoke it was cold and distant. He wasn’t sure what he had done, but he suspected that not telling her about his plan with the engagement had not made things better. And then there was the fact that he had forbidden her to kill the Darkling, and instead made her drag him through the entire country and to the palace. 

Perhaps this  _ was  _ a time for jewelry. “What kind?” he asked Ehri. “How do I pick?” 

Ehri blew out an exasperated breath. “Good thing you didn’t have to court me because you would have done a terrible job.” 

“I have been told that my charm is irresistible,” Nikolai remarked, glancing up at the Little Palace. He was missing another meeting just now, something which probably didn’t help to put him back in Zoya’s good graces. 

“Then why not just  _ charm  _ Zoya Nazyalensky?” Ehri shot him a knowing glance. “Why the need for flowers and jewelry?” 

Nikolai decided he would rather not answer that. “So you’re thinking both would be best?” Perhaps she was right. At least then he couldn’t go wrong. 

Ehri sighed dramatically, shaking her head. “I’m thinking you should tell her how you feel.” 

Nikolai looked down at his boots. A year ago, that might have been an option. When there hadn’t been a war about to start, when he hadn’t been engaged. “It’s too late for that,” he replied, trying to keep his voice cheerful. With this engagement, he had destroyed every last chance that there could ever be a different queen than Ehri by his side. He couldn’t back out now, not without losing their biggest alliance partner. 

So all that was left to do now was damage control. 

“It’s never too late,” Ehri replied, looking out towards the horizon. 

But she didn’t know Zoya Nazyalensky. Nikolai was fairly certain that whatever bond he had shared with Zoya before this, it was now destroyed. He could tell that much from what little interactions they had shared. “Do you think a diamond necklace would do the trick?” 

Ehri laughed, the sound carrying across the training grounds. “You’re broke, Your Highness. You have no money for a diamond necklace.” She turned to him, her eyes suddenly filled with sorrow. “Neither of us asked for this, and this is in engagement in name only. Tell that to your general. Make her understand.” 

“She won’t understand,” Nikolai said quietly. And he could never ask her to. 

Ehri glanced up at the sky for a moment, then turned back to his face. “If that is the case, the Shu will make sure that your diamond necklace is being paid for.” She smiled, resuming their walk. “I hope Zoya Nazyalensky likes jewelry.” 

Nikolai sighed, then moved to follow her.  _ We hope or we falter.  _

“I just got the worst news,” Genya complained, sitting down next to Zoya at the breakfast table. She sighed dramatically, shaking her head. “There is no way that we will get all the flower arrangements over here from Shu Han in time.” 

Zoya raised a brow, pouring herself tea. “So?” 

Genya snorted. “If you care that little, you’re free to tell Ehri that she can’t have her favorite flowers at her wedding.” 

Zoya rolled her eyes, pouring a cup of tea for Genya and setting it down in front of her. “I’m sure you will find a way.” 

Genya narrowed her eyes at her, hesitantly reaching for the teacup. “What’s going on with you?” she wanted to know. “No insults?” 

“Too early in the morning for that,” Zoya muttered, taking a sip of tea but suddenly freezing when the door opened and Nikolai stepped inside. She sat the cup down with great effort, watching the king sit down across from her. 

“Your Highness,” Genya said politely, her voice seeming to cut through the tension in the air. 

“You missed the triumvirate meeting last night,” Zoya blurted out, not able to keep her mouth shut any longer. Her sharp tone did nothing to conceal her emotions. 

Nikolai raised a brow, the amused gleam in his eyes making her even more annoyed. “Wasn’t it you who told me to pay more attention to my fiance, Nazyalensky?” 

_ Fiance.  _ Zoya clenched her jaw, lifting her chin while she held his gaze. “And where is your fiance this morning, Your Highness? Have you already scared her off?”   
  
Nikolai opened his mouth to reply, but just then the door was opened and Ehri entered, followed by two of her guards. She cast a bright smile at them, then sank down on the empty chair next to Nikolai. “Good morning.” 

Zoya didn’t reply, only kept staring at the king. 

Genya was stirring her tea soundly, looking like she would rather be anywhere else than here. “Good morning,” she replied dryly. 

Ehri hesitated a moment, then leaned forward and rested her hand on Nikolai’s arm. She whispered something to him, making her guards shift nervously in the back. 

Zoya was suddenly not hungry anymore. 

She looked to Genya, who immediately cleared her throat. “Your Highness, I was wondering if we could discuss some more wedding plans.” 

Nikolai looked confused for a moment. “Right now?” 

Genya gave him her brightest smile, batting her lashes innocently. “Yes. It really is urgent.” A lie, and yet she sold it well enough that Nikolai didn’t seem to doubt her. Although there really was no fooling the princess. 

Ehri’s expression was almost amused when Nikolai sighed and got to his feet, following Genya towards the exit. Her eyes found Zoya. “Your king and I are equally unhappy about this engagement.”   
  
_ Right.  _ Nikolai had surely looked very unhappy. Zoya downed the rest of her tea, then got to her feet. “I have students to train.” 

Ehri didn’t say anything else, and yet her expression was sorry when Zoya left the room. She tried not to think of that fact too much. She didn’t want to feel bad for the princess right now. 

“Go see her right now!” Ehri urged, struggling to keep up with Nikolai’s quick pace. She almost stumbled over her dress when she quickened her steps, blocking the hallway before him. “Right now!” 

Nikolai sighed, stopping in front of her. There was no way he was getting out of this. “I don’t know what to say,” he replied honestly. Because no matter how good he was with words, they always seemed to leave him whenever he was looking at Zoya’s face. 

Ehri rested her hands on her hips, narrowing her eyes at him. “You have been whining to me about how you want Zoya Nazyalensky to forgive you for weeks.” 

That was true indeed. Nikolai was even a tiny bit sorry about that. This was not the way to secure an alliance, usually. “In case you forgot how breakfast went this morning, I think I’m past the point of forgiveness,” he replied, attempting to get past Ehri and continue his walk. 

She blocked him. “Nonsense,” she snapped. “She’s hurt, didn’t you notice?” She let out a long breath, shaking her head. “Tell her how you feel, today. Before it’s too late.” 

Those words made Nikolai halt. “Too late how?” 

Ehri bit her lip, hesitating. “I heard she is going with Kirigin to the autumn revel tomorrow night,” she said quietly, dropping her voice so no one else would hear. 

Nikolai froze. “She actually  _ accepted?”  _ As far as he knew, Zoya couldn’t stand Kirigin. When had that changed? He wondered how many other changes he was currently unaware of. He dropped his head, staring down at his boots. There was a sharp pain in his heart, and he knew what had caused it. 

He missed Zoya. He missed her eye-rolls, her half-smiles whenever he made a joke, the way her eyes lit up whenever she was presented with yet another challenge. He missed her sitting next to him writing correspondence. They hadn’t even talked properly for weeks. 

“Nikolai,” Ehri said sharply, regaining his attention. “If you don’t do something, she will move on.” She held his gaze. “Seriously, what are you waiting for?” 

What  _ was  _ he waiting for? A change of fate? He sighed deeply, pushing past Ehri without looking at her again. “I have work to do.” 

“Coward,” she muttered behind his back, but he had already reached the end of the corridor. He didn’t turn again. 

He didn’t dare to face all the bad decisions he had made lately. 

Zoya didn’t want to be here. She didn’t want to be here, and least of all did she want to be here with Kirigin. She was currently nipping on her third drink, but even that didn’t make it any better. 

Kirigin was next to her, chatting about some irrelevant topic that Zoya had absolutely no interest in. Her gaze searched the crowd instead, involuntarily looking for Nikolai. He wasn’t here yet, and neither was Ehri. Zoya wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing. 

“Do you want to dance?” Kirigin interrupted her musings, and Zoya tore her gaze away from the people. 

She even managed a smile, quickly downing the rest of her drink. The alcohol did nothing to lift her spirits. “Of course,” she replied, taking Kirigin’s arm and following him to the dance floor. Quite honestly, she had Genya to thank for this evening. She had urged Zoya to accept Kirigin’s invitation in the first place. Told her it would be a fun night. Right. Genya wasn’t even here. 

Just when they had reached the dance floor, the doors were suddenly opened. Zoya tensed when she watched Nikolai lead Ehri into the ballroom, the princess wearing an extravagant black gown which made her look every inch the queen she would soon be. She smiled cooly at the crowd, her hand resting on Nikolai’s arm before she leaned towards him and whispered something.   
  
The king smiled for a moment, then nodded. He lifted his head, and just for a second his gaze locked with Zoya’s. 

She wasn’t able to move. She only stared, into those hazel eyes which were so familiar and yet so difficult to read. Then the moment was over, the music started playing and Kirigin led her away. 

Zoya swallowed, forcing herself to breathe steadily.  _ It’s not worth it,  _ she told herself. And Tamar’s words came to her mind.  _ Despise your heart.  _ There were enough people who would probably vouch for her not having a heart at all. 

Nikolai and Ehri were dancing not far from them, and Zoya found it increasingly hard not to watch their every move. Ehri was graceful and elegant, a good dancer, and yet Nikolai seemed distant, absent-minded. He almost messed up the steps a couple of times, and Ehri had to steady him. She was whispering again, this time more urgent. 

Zoya couldn’t make out the words, and it was probably for the best. She wasn’t sure she even wanted to know which secrets those two shared. 

The music changed, and Kirigin let go of her for a moment. She had almost forgotten that he was here at all. Zoya managed another smile in his direction, feeling increasingly guilty for her attitude. She really wasn’t doing herself any favors here. 

And then someone suddenly cleared their throat behind them, and when Zoya turned she looked straight at Nikolai. She fought to keep a neutral expression, to avoid for her face to betray her emotions. And yet she found her fingers shaking. 

“Your Highness,” Kirigin greeted, adding a respectful bow. He turned to Ehri. “You look stunning tonight.” 

Ehri smiled brightly, tilting her head in thanks. “I would be honored to dance with you for a moment,” she added, glancing at Nikolai long enough for Zoya to wonder what that look might mean. Then she stepped forward, taking Kirigin’s arm. 

If she hadn’t known better, Zoya would have assumed Ehri had a game plan here. She looked up at Nikolai, who was still standing across from her. “Apparently your fiance is looking for a more skilled dance partner,” she said dryly, but the words lacked her usual spite. 

Nikolai barely reacted, only reached out for her, and took her hand. It was a distant touch, barely there, and yet Zoya felt a shiver creeping across her spine. It was almost embarrassing. “It looks that way,” he replied, waiting for Zoya to rest her hand on his shoulder before he began to move the two of them to the music. 

Zoya was surprised by how easy they found their rhythm, and even more surprised by the warmth which flooded her body. She had missed him. So much more than she had been willing to admit. “She looks very beautiful tonight,” Zoya said quietly, glancing at Ehri behind him. 

The princess was laughing at something Kirigin had said, seeming totally unbothered by what was going on around her. 

Nikolai’s hand moved across the skin of her back, making Zoya tense when she shivered again. She hoped he hadn’t noticed, but judging by the look in his eyes he had. “You look incredible,” he said in a low voice, lips so close to her ear that she could feel his warm breath creeping over her skin. 

Zoya swallowed, willing her fingers to stop shaking. She glanced up at his face, too aware of him watching her every move. What were they doing? They hadn’t talked in weeks, let alone been this close with one another. “Nikolai-” she began, but the music had stopped, and everyone around them had stopped moving. 

There was something on his face that she couldn’t quite read, something that looked almost like… longing. But then Ehri was there, and Kirigin was back at her side, and the moment was gone. 

Nikolai turned away without another word, and Zoya felt herself growing cold when she watched him leave. This was her own fault. For allowing herself to get attached, to hope for something that could never happen. She really had been so foolish. 

She turned to Kirigin, the smile back on her lips. “Another drink?”    
He nodded, happy to lead her over to the bar. She didn’t look for Nikolai anymore. The pain in her heart was enough to remind her of his touch. 

Ehri was sipping on her red wine, throwing accusing glances in Nikolai’s direction. “You really are an idiot,” she muttered under her breath. “I gave you the perfect opening!” 

Nikolai ignored her, watching Zoya at the other end of the room, leaning heavily on Kirigin’s shoulder while she said something to him, making him laugh. His arm was wrapped around her waist, steadying her. Nikolai couldn’t look away. He didn’t have the strength to turn his head and walk away. 

Zoya was wearing a floor-length blue dress, hugging every curve of her body. The back was open, her dark curls flowing down her back. Nikolai fought the urge to walk over to her right now, to take her hand, to lead her back onto the dancefloor. One song hadn’t been enough. Not enough to repair what he had broken, to make her understand… 

Ehri was right. He was an idiot. He took a sip of his drink, the alcohol burning in his throat. Zoya was laughing, resting her head against Kirigin’s shoulder. “It’s too late,” he said quietly, tearing his gaze away and looking at Ehri. 

Ehri sighed, twisting the wine glass between her fingers. “You love her, don’t you?” Her voice was low, low enough that no one else could overhear, but her gaze was imploring. 

Nikolai looked back at Zoya, the heartache he felt now almost familiar. He did. He wasn’t sure when it had started, and yet he also couldn’t remember a time where he hadn’t loved her. And yet he was engaged to another woman. It was all wrong. 

Ehri smiled as if his look alone had answered her question. “That’s what I thought,” she replied. She leaned forward, dropping her voice even lower. “She doesn’t hate you. She’s trying to protect herself from disappointment. Because she feels the same way.” Her eyes were glittering in the light of the chandelier. “Go to her rooms tonight and talk.” 

Nikolai swallowed, taking another sip from his drink. He didn’t feel ready. He didn’t feel ready to be honest, to lay it all out in the open. It was so much safer to pretend. 

Just then Zoya and Kirigin broke free from the bar, and he watched while Kirigin led her towards the doors and out of the room. Zoya didn’t turn, she didn’t look in his direction at all, and yet Nikolai could only stare. He felt the urge to follow her, to hold her back, to do anything else than just stand here and regret his decisions. 

He never should have gotten engaged. “Ehri,” he said quietly, still watching Zoya leave. “What do I do?” 

“You’re going to be honest,” she replied, finishing her wine and signaling him to follow her. “And,” she added. “you’re going to give her a beautiful piece of jewelry.” 

Nikolai raised a brow, following her out of the ballroom. He had given instructions to David and a few other fabricators to work on a diamond necklace as Ehri had suggested, but he hadn’t been aware that she had known about it. 

Ehri disappeared inside her chambers, leaving Nikolai to wait in the hallway. The image of Zoya was still haunting his thoughts, and he couldn’t forget the way she had shivered under his touch or the way she had looked at him during the dance. With those impossibly blue eyes. 

Ehri stepped back into the hallway, handing him a black box. “Just like you wanted it.” She smirked. “Paid for by my sister. I’m sure she would be delighted if she knew.” 

Nikolai huffed, opening the box. David really had outdone himself. The necklace was decorated with small blue diamonds just like Nikolai had planned it. It was a piece of jewelry fit for a queen. 

“Thank you,” he said quietly, closing the box and glancing at Ehri. 

She answered with a half shrug. “You’re welcome. Now go see your general. I’m tired of your drama.” 

Nikolai sighed, then nodded. 

It was time. No more hiding. No more stalling. 

Zoya ignored the first knock on her door. She was seated in her armchair, already dressed in her nightgown, a glass of wine in hand. She didn’t particularly fancy moving right now, especially not considering that it was probably Genya on her door, annoying her with questions about why she had left the revel so early. 

“Zoya,” a familiar voice suddenly said. Her first name sounded odd on Nikolai’s lips. Usually, he addressed her by last name. She wondered if that was another thing that had changed between them. 

She got to her feet, grabbing her dressing gown from the bed and throwing it over her shoulders before she opened the door. 

Nikolai’s eyes met hers, resting on her face, then glancing down. His expression barely changed, but she didn’t miss that he noticed what she was wearing, the way the dressing gown still left most of her skin exposed. She suddenly felt too vulnerable. 

“What do you want?” Zoya asked quickly, crossing her arms. The dressing gown fell, exposing one of her shoulders. The nightly air caressed her skin. 

Nikolai noticed, too. He reached out for a second as if to touch the fabric - or her skin, perhaps - but then pulled back as if he had changed her mind. “Can we talk?” 

Zoya didn’t answer, but stepped out of the doorframe and allowed him inside. She wrapped her arms around herself, sinking down on the edge of her bed. 

Nikolai closed the door softly. For a moment, no one spoke. His gaze was resting on her, studying her expression. “I wanted to apologize,” he said eventually, voice so low that if it hadn’t been as quiet as it was, she wouldn’t have heard him. His hazel eyes were thoughtful. She couldn’t remember if she had ever seen him like this. 

“There is nothing to apologize for, Your Highness,” she replied, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. She couldn’t lie to his face. 

Nikolai sighed, running a hand over his face. “Things are so different between us now,” he said eventually. 

Zoya looked up slowly. She chose her words very carefully. “You’re engaged now. You have a fiance to entertain.” Her voice was flat, emotionless. She didn’t want to have this conversation. 

Nikolai stared at her for a moment, looking almost surprised. “You know I didn’t want this,” he replied, his voice picking up. “I didn’t  _ choose  _ to become engaged.” 

Her eyes met, and Zoya felt a spark of electricity running across her skin. “But you did,” she replied, her tone now sharp. Too sharp. “You made the choice.” She swallowed hard. “And you didn’t tell me.”   
  
She realized too late that she had revealed too much. The last words had been laced with hurt, the pain she had felt ever since that day in the war room. Where he had decided without her. For the first time since she had become his general, he hadn’t asked her opinion. He had just made the decision. 

Nikolai stilled, realization suddenly passing across his face. “That’s why you’re angry?” 

“I’m not angry,” Zoya replied, getting to her feet, feeling the urge to run away from his burning gaze. She picked up her wine glass from the coffee table, downing its content. It did nothing to calm her nerves. Her hands were still shaking. “I don’t care who you share your plans with,” she continued, setting the glass down. She had to try hard not to drop it. “I’m sure Ehri has a lot of useful input.” She wished she could have held her tongue. 

Nikolai released a sharp breath. “That’s not how things are-” he began, but Zoya interrupted. 

“Don’t,” she replied. “Just leave.” She didn’t want to hear  _ how  _ exactly Ehri and Nikolai spent their long walks. 

She expected him to leave in silence, but Nikolai apparently wasn’t done. He suddenly grabbed her wrist, forcing her to look at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the engagement,” he said sincerely. “I didn’t…” He hesitated. “I was afraid to hurt you.”   
  
Zoya stilled, giving up resistance against his grip. She just stared at him, unable to form words.  _ I’m not hurt,  _ she meant to say, but her voice was lost.   
  


“But things aren’t like you think,” he continued. “I’m not courting Ehri. All those days I spent with her… I was just thinking about you.” 

The last words hung in the air for a moment, and it was so silent that Zoya could hear her heart beating.  _ He doesn’t mean it,  _ a small voice in her head whispered.  _ Why choose you if he can have a princess?  _ She swallowed hard, pulling her wrist free of his grip. “I want you to go,” she said quietly. 

Nikolai’s face was pleading. “Ehri told me that I should tell you how I feel, but how can I ask anything of you when I’m engaged.” 

“Then why are you asking now?” Zoya shot back, her voice cold and sharp. She didn’t want to hear this. She didn’t want him to continue talking. 

“Because I’m no longer engaged.” 

The words cut through her anger like a knife. Zoya’s jaw dropped. “Excuse me?” 

Nikolai exhaled. “I won’t marry Ehri. I can’t. If that means war with the Shu, so be it. Although I am confident that we can find another way. Ehri will mediate between her sister and us.” 

Zoya stared at him, wondering whether he had actually lost his mind. “You’re insane,” she muttered under her breath. “A broken engagement, the Shu will-” She was interrupted. 

“I’m not here to discuss politics right now,” Nikolai cut in. He reached for her, this time taking her hand. The mere touch was enough to set her skin on fire. He was suddenly holding something, a small black box. 

Zoya glared at him when he left it in her palm, carefully opening it. Her heart skipped a beat. Inside was a necklace fit for a queen. It was embroidered with blue diamonds, which were sparkling in the dim light of her bedroom. It was a royal gift. “I can’t,” she whispered, looking up at him. Her fingers were tracing the outline of the stones. “Nikolai-” 

He took her hand again, almost making her drop the box. “Look at me,” he muttered, tilting up her chin with his other hand. 

She could barely look at him. She hadn’t thought it possible for a look to be so painful. “I can’t accept this,” she said quietly. “Give it to Ehri.” 

He huffed. “She’s no longer my fiance.”   
  
But Zoya couldn’t be either. “This doesn’t change anything,” she replied, the pain obvious in her voice. She couldn’t hide it any longer. “You will need to find someone else.” 

“I don’t want anyone else.” 

Then Ravka was doomed. Zoya opened her mouth to keep arguing, to at least fight to convince him, but he silenced her with a kiss. His hands slid into her hair, tilting her head up, and then the world stopped. Zoya opened her lips underneath his, her fingers, at last, dropping the box and curling up in the front of his shirt instead. She didn’t notice. Not right now. They had waited for this moment for too long. 

It was almost painful when he pulled away, even if it was only to pull the dressing gown from her shoulders. Zoya’s skin prickled under the touch when his fingers caressed the side of her neck, then the lines of her collarbone. 

“I just want you,” Nikolai whispered, kissing her lips again. “For as long as I can remember, it was only ever you.”  
  
Zoya felt her eyes burning with tears as she kissed him back, pouring all the desperation, all the longing into this moment.   
  
Tomorrow, they would have to figure out what to do. Tomorrow, they would have to live with the consequences. 

But tonight, they could only be themselves. 


End file.
